I’m not *really* defeated, but I’m lacking the time and energy to work on projects that I really want to work on. It doesn’t help that I’m so easily distracted.
I just devoted the better part of the last hour to looking for 5 year old notes from a dream I had. It was a vivid, intense dream that was cinematic and detailed, with characters, arc, and invented what, from all I can tell, would still be a new sub-genre in SFF.
I could try to do something with those half-memories of the notes, but I want to find the notes themselves. I wrote them down in a book, a small memo book iirc, with notes in every corner and margin, filling up at least two pages.
The thing is, those notes preceded a tragic time in my life, and the year that followed was one where I was fighting for my basic survival, and who the crap knows where those notes went.
I’m feeling a bit defeated because, unlike my younger, pluckier, and frankly, more irresponsible days, I don’t feel like I can just go out there and DO THE THING. I feel anxious about debt, about the lives of those around me and the impact I have on them (more so than I worried when I was younger, SORRY!)
The fact I’ve gotten this far is a triumph. Maybe I’ll just leave this post at that.