Iron Head Jane

A Little Hard Headed

May 8, 2013
by Quasilaur
1 Comment

My American Utopias

The thoughts presented here have been a long time coming. Thanks to Mike Daisey‘s recent performance of American Utopias for inspiring me to finally write this down.

WDW July 1985By the time I arrived at Burning Man, it was already too big. In August of 1999, a friend I met through the Internet met me in Chicago with his (unknown at the time) dying truck, soon to be filled with all we would need for our road trip and week in the desert. Through car trouble, $300 for a broken water pump in Wyoming, and a busted transmission that left us hitchhiking in Utah, we made it to That Thing in the Desert that would rise to a population of over 20,000 people that year.

I was in my early twenties and had recently changed my college major to religious studies. Through the dust storms, the glittering night skies, and alkaline dust that permeated my skin, cracked my feet, the most amazing thing to me was the rise and fall of this city. I had lived for three years in one of the great American cities, built on big shoulders and “no little plans.” The sweat and blood that built Chicago was stained into the concrete and bricks, the human hands that built them forgotten like a mobster built into a bridge.

Every hour of every day in Black Rock City was humming with life and work. The building never stopped, as with its destruction. When it wasn’t the people tearing down and burning, it was the wind, rain and dust chipping at the foundations. Hard work and hard partying, the community brought everything they thought they and the city needed: community colleges, 12-step meetings, a movieplex, a coffee shop, a smut shack with grilled cheese, bars, clubs, souvenirs, fantastical sites, body art, sinners and saints, prayer, yoga and on and on – but all on the terms of the small groups of people, and all as a gift. A shining, blinking, strobing, face-melting gift.

The beauty of Burning Man was what I was learning in my religious studies work in college – human beings are creators. Like my professor, Dr. David Gitomer at DePaul University pointed out, even our July 4th barbecues connect us to our ancient ancestors. We gather in reverent groups for intoxication and gluttony, making a burnt offering over charcoal briquettes to the spirit of freedom, our love and identification with our home and country. The beauty of Burning Man was seeing the play within a play – America within America – freedom pushed to the edges of what the law allows. And I still marvel, today, and wonder at the hands that, before my very eyes, built this city that Daniel Burnham would envy.

Five years and three Burning Man attendances later, I went to Walt Disney World for what I expected to be a torturous nine days. I had been hoping for a Hawaiian vacation instead, but was outvoted by my in-laws. The Goth deep within me shriveled at the thought of The Mouse, the happy and perfect artifice that would surround me. It was painfully ignorant of the horrors of the world, which for all I know, was why Disney was discouraged in my house growing up.

Four days of drinking Florida water, bad coffee, and eating Mickey Mouse shaped waffles, I was hooked. One by one, I started accumulating Tinker Bell-festooned items. We gathered as a family in Epcot one evening to see Illuminations, their spectacular firework extravaganza. As the sun went down, carts of blinking and spinning lights started appearing. People, young and old, wore glow necklaces and children danced with blinking, twirling batons. Oontz-oontz-oontz sounds rose from the shrubbery, and every so often, a voice from the ether would remind us that we were just moments away from Illuminations.

To this day, this is my favorite fireworks show. The park is full, the crowd is electric, and the entire vibe sinks within me, pulling out the psychedelic glasses that make the world shine in the dark. A lit, spinning globe, covered with images and movies takes a journey around the lagoon.

self

A beer from the Rose and the Crown before Illuminations in 2009

My first Illuminations hit me hard. I realized that Disney was Burning Man and Burning Man was Disney. Some will argue that Disney is for spectators, where Burning Man is for participants, and that the economic differences between the capitalist and gift economies are enough to make them distinct, but I would say no – these places share the same ancestry that Daniel Burnham shared as the architect of Chicago’s White City, these places are testaments to the magnificence of human creation and destruction. They touch on the monuments of fallen cities stretching through the millennia. While Burning Man sees its lifecycle in only a week, it gives us a taste of that ecstasy that every builder of every great palace and cathedral evoked.

Mike Daisey is currently doing a show called American Utopias, and I saw it in Seattle this past weekend. The major elements are Disney, Burning Man, and Occupy Wall Street, two elements I am familiar with, and the final less so. I stood in a disorganized queue after the show, wanting to talk more with him, and specifically ask him about Illuminations, but I didn’t get my chance. Oddly, as another person was talking to Mr. Daisey, I piped up to talk about how even at Burning Man in 2004, I saw the Default World seeping through the cracks, specifically bringing elements of commerce, and though I didn’t mention it, the violence of growing cities. In a flash, I found myself, not standing face to face in a three-person conversation, but rather, talking to a circle of people listening to me, with Mr. Daisey being one of them.

American Utopias, by Mike Daisey, is not my favorite work. It speaks well to the uninitiated, but for me, I wanted to have a longer conversation. Burning Man, Disney, America – there is no singular experience that defines it. We are all building our cities and engaging with a consensual reality, and at times deliberately engaging in subversion. Utopia literally means “no place,” but what I observe is beautiful about the human experience is that so many of us engage with the world and with each other as if there is a means to create or travel to this place physically or spiritually. I am excited that Mr. Daisey finds this subject interesting enough to bring to his audience to engage.

April 27, 2013
by Quasilaur
0 comments

*Results Not Typical

I’ve been trying to lose weight since I was eight years old. I was a kid who took water pills, owned my own copy of Sweatin’ to the Oldies and Deal-a-Meal, and wished I could be anorexic (liked food too much) or bulemic (I hated barfing.) I went to a kids, hospital-sponsored weightloss program. I went to a dietician. (Memorable point: there was when she said I could eat “low fat,” and found a 0g fat Entemann’s coffee cake. I ate the whole thing.) I rode my bike back and forth from my house to Remke’s (supermarket) ten times, equalling ten miles. I walked around the neighborhood. I seemed unable to stop the increasing gain. I hated scales. I hated my doctor’s office. I hated the clothing available, and settled on oversized t-shirts, jeans, and a flannel jacket that fit my Dragonlance books neatly in the inner pocket. I loved the brief time in middle school that I got to play floor hockey. I loved tennis. I loved lifting weights in a brief PE unit in high school.

When talking about activities I loved, it would be incomplete to not mention my junior and senior year, where I auditioned and made it into the high school marching band color guard. My instructor kicked my ass, and for my latter high school years, was the mentor I needed. She was tough, but fair. Despite the fact that my weight only budged about 15 lbs total during those years, my head was held higher when I started my junior year, and people noticed.

I hadn’t intended on telling that story, but I guess it needed to be put there as a preface. I’ve lost five pounds! In Weight Watchers, that would equal a star and a round of applause. It’s been a long time since I’ve lost five pounds in a concerted effort to eat better, and I’m pretty happy with myself. This is an achievement I’ve been waiting for for a year.

Here are the secrets to my five pound success (which has taken me three weeks of effort):

  1. Tracking my food intake with a free online/mobile app – I’ve been using MyFitnessPal which has an enormous database that makes it easy to track my calories. It also includes a barcode scanner for easy tracking of packaged foods. I leave the setting for my base metabolic rate (BMR) at sedentary, and set my goal loss at 1.5 lbs per week.
  2. Tracking my daily activity with a fancy pedometer – Fitbit syncs with MyFitnessPal and alters my daily caloric limit based on my activity level. It’s not fool-proof, but it’s nice to know for sure when I can eat more because I’ve earned it.
  3. Eating the right foods – This is the really hard part, because it’s not as simple (for me) as calories in and calories burned. I need to eat THE RIGHT foods for me, and it turns out that a low protein diet (10-15% protein) is a DISASTER for me.

    Years ago, I bought Jillian Michael’s Winning by Losing when it was in hard cover. Inside she had a Metabolic Type quiz (found here as well) which says I’m a “Balanced Oxidizer” that needs 30% of my calories from protein (30% from fat, 40% from carbs.)

    What’s amazing to me is that focusing on getting enough protein (and lower amounts of fat and refined carbohydrates) had led me to crave refined carbohydrates MUCH less, and when I do indulge, it’s not the disaster it’s been before.

    The other key thing for me is to cut out the non-nutritive carb fillers. I did not eat the scoop of brown rice on my plate last night, which saved me about 100-200 calories. I did, however, indulge in the petite chocolate cake for dessert, and I enjoyed it MUCH more than that scoop of rice. I’ve been passing on the bread, for the most part.

    Making sure that I eat 30% of calories in protein is brutal (along with keeping my fats under 30%), especially because I just don’t like to eat that much meat and non-cheese dairy products. My supplementing with a mid-morning Vega Energizing Smoothie in almond milk has made a huge impact on whether or not I’m satiated when I eat lunch. Further, shifting my breakfast from cold cereal to quick steel-cut oats (1/4 cup dry) had helped stay my hunger for a little longer.

These results are not typical, and I don’t claim to know about whatever you need to reach your health goals. I go to the gym for strength training three times a week, and am trying to jog/run at least five miles total a week. I’m also a mother of a very active toddler and live in a city where I walk almost everywhere.

I’m hoping I can keep this up, mostly because I like that I’m seeing results on the scale, and in general, I feel more energetic. Really, that’s what this is all about, feeling good. I need that.

April 15, 2013
by Quasilaur
0 comments

Do what thou Love shall be the Will of the Law

me running

Las Vegas Rock and Roll Half Marathon 2010

I just came back from my third run in three days. This is unusual for me of late, and comes from my new found energy since I upped my protein intake. Today’s run was a little more, though, since the news of the Boston Marathon bombing hit my consciousness, and the sun shine beckoned me outdoors.

A wonderful thing happened on my run which hasn’t happened since I was training for a half marathon in 2010: I lost myself in the run. I reached that moment where I stopped paying attention to how far or how fast I was going, I was just running, and my brain was busy working things out. Things like “Do what thou Love shall be the Will of the Law.” Granted, there are some of you who know what this refers to, but for the rest of you, you can look up “Do what thou Wilt shall be the whole of the Law.”

I’m not sure exactly what my bastardization means to anyone but myself, but it came from the other day when I watched Kumare, a documentary about a false prophet, and Jeff Who Lives at Home, a film that, oddly enough, seems to be an “answer movie” to M. Night Shyamalan’s Signs. Kumare is a man’s quest to understand faith, studied the phenomena, and asked if just anyone could be a prophet, including himself. He creates an alter-ego prophet, sets up an ashram and religious practice, finds devotees and then unveils himself. Though Vikram (aka Kumare) maintains that he was not *actually* a religious leader, I found myself wanting to argue with him that he was, and also, a legitimate spiritual teacher. Jeff Who Lives at Home, features the tension between the two brothers, one who is terribly unlikable with a crumbling life, and another, stoner “loser” brother (Jeff) who sees the world through the lens of fate. Jeff wants to believe, and through the movie, made me believe (though frankly, only within the confines of the film.)[1]

The easiest explanation I have for what I believe in is that I am an atheist. Like Vikram Ghandi, the director and creator of Kumare, I was drawn to religious study hoping that it would help me understand and perhaps solidify my religious leanings. By age thirteen, I had a spiritual calling for ministry, one that despite my religious non-affiliation, I still have and see my vocational choices as being complimentary. My study of religion (both academically and through social circles) led me to abandon orthodoxy in favor of what I have always essentially believed: there is no magic. The caveat being that each person is a creator and divine, and creates the god of their belief and the magic according to their system. There are no gods, and there are all the gods. I see it as strange and powerful stuff, but only real to those who see and believe.

That being said, I think that religion and religious practice are necessary and part of the intrinsic fabric of many humans. I’m not about to take that away, especially if they respect my unwillingness to share in their devotion. During times of tragedy, people often feel helpless, especially when far away, and offer thoughts, prayers, lit candles and other rituals, most of which are materially useless, but enriching (I’m told) for believers.

My magic was that I went on a run, and fell into that brief euphoria that running can give a person. I engaged with an ecstatic moment, noted each runner as I passed them by, wondering if they were in a similar devotion today, thinking on the people of Boston, the runners, the observers, the city. Running, like many other body-punishing activities, lends to an ecstatic experience that is otherworldly. The Boston Marathon is a gathering of ecstatics some “True” others “False,”[2] but all sharing in a grueling experience that many will never take part in.

Though it did nothing, I ran. I thought of Boston. And perhaps like I accuse Kumare of being more of a prophet than he realizes, I show how much like Jeff I want to believe that putting myself out there with ecstatic intention means something more than sore quads in the morning.

[1]This “renewal of faith” within the confines of the film was done far better in Jeff Who Lives at Home than in Life of Pi. Life of Pi had beautiful special effects, but was in the end a spiritually hungry white person’s quest for meaning with the help of magical brown-person.

[2]All practices have their True Believers, those who will claim for whatever reason that no TRUE runner would do x, y, z. And those True Believers will disagree with what’s True. At 200 lbs, jogging a slow 2.5 mile, am I a true runner? At 155 lbs, and running 13.1 in 2:15:21, was I a true runner?

April 14, 2013
by Quasilaur
0 comments

Spring Cleaning

What is it about Spring that has us longing to push out the cruft and start anew? Is it something we learn culturally, or a part of the rhythm of the world?

I hardly know the answer, but what I do know is that I’ve not been baking as much as I had been (which is probably a good thing), and I’ve got that longing to DO something.

Home:

I finally, after years of dithering, put up items for sale on Ebay. I’ve had an Ebay pile collecting for at least six months, if not longer. So far, I’ve sold two things, and perhaps grossly underpriced another item which is now being bid on for a low price (about $90 less than the starting price of the same item in another auction.) Truly, another man’s trash or clutter is another man’s treasure. It astounds me how people are piling on to this one item, which is made of rip-stop nylon, and not likely to increase in character or beauty over the years, yet another item of quality manufacture, made of leather and a classic design, goes unnoticed.

Body:

As I’ve written before, I’ve been working my ass off at the gym, and have not been losing weight. My trainer finally mentioned that she would be doing my weight/measurements next week, and I told her that it wouldn’t do any good because there was no measurable change likely. She said that it was likely the type of food I’m eating, especially since I’ve been struggling with constant hunger. This week I’ve been challenging myself to truly keep tabs on every thing I eat, while also trying to get in 30% of my daily calories in protein. This is hard. This is VERY hard. You see, I have tended to get about 15% of my daily calories in protein, due to the fact that I don’t eat beans often, I don’t eat nuts (barely ever), and I do eat some meat, but I honestly want to scale back on animal products.

Instead of the Weight Watchers (which I no longer follow) approved “free” snack of fruit, I’ve been drinking a rather tasteless protein shake made with vegan protein powder and almond milk. The amazing thing this switch has done for me is that it makes me less ravenous, and I typically now feel sated for longer (and even guiltily so!) and look at my number for the day, and see that I’ve actually eaten (or over eaten) less than my previous trend.

Mind:

I’m hoping to boost my creative output, but I’m not sure where to go with it. After NorWesCon, I was inspired to work on fan art, but found after gripping a trusty pencil for the first time in ages that I actually have some pretty mean carpal tunnel. It’s not terrible, but it’s noticeable after awhile as my fingers and thumb go numb and cold. This is on top of TOS (thoracic outlet syndrome) which causes the other fingers in my right hand to similarly go numb when my shoulders hunch a particular way.

I need to develop a practice, as well as some organization. I’m feeling very scattered, which makes me wonder if I am ADD after all (I was diagnosed as kid, but never felt it was so severe that I needed medication.) I think I just need to find some adaptive practices. Any artists have recommendations on how to start?

…Anyhow, that’s what I’m up to these days. I look forward to the summer coming soon, as that I’ve had quite enough of this rainy cool weather. It’s not even Junuary yet.